Snape's Secret Diary
by scribbleface
Summary: What exactly did Snape write in his secret Diary during Harry's first year at Hogwarts? Chapter 3 finally up!
1. Regarding The Philosopher's Stone

**SNAPE'S DIARY** (where things are not as they seem)

**NOTE** - People do have different ideas as to when the Harry Potter books take place. However, using the formula of Sir Nicholas de Mimsy Porpington's cake, we discover that the year Harry starts Hogwarts is in fact 1991.

**DISCLAIMER** - All characters and magical places/objects mentioned are courtesy of the brilliant master-mind, JK Rowling.

**RATING** - PGR/T, Contains Foul Language, Content that May Disturb and Sexy Scenes.

**WARNING** - Spoilers for all of the Harry Potter Books published thus far.

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**CHAPTER ONE** - Year One, Regarding the events of the philosopher's (yes the _philosopher's_) stone.

**AUGUST 35, 1991. Mood: Aggravated.**

Writing in new Live-journal.

Accidentally dropped old diary in my cauldron of The Draught of Living Death and so bought a nifty new muggle "laptop" instead. Will try not to drop it in cauldron.

Still haven't gotten over the fact that I managed to simultaneously ruin old diary and plans of poisoning the new Defense against the Dark Arts teacher.

No asphodel left in supply cupboard to make another batch.

May have to take manly approach instead, ie, Avada Kedavra.

Potter-child starting Hogwarts this year. Fuck. That brings back bad memories.

-Sevvy

**SEPTEMBER 01, 1991. Mood: Bouncy.**

First Day of Hogwarts this year begins.

Had a feast.

Not much available that my strict vegan diet allows. Need to watch my figure.

Saw the Potter-Child. Dislike intensely.

Met the new defense against dark arts teacher. Suspicious of motives. Have reasons to believe that he has a Dark Lord on his head.

Teacher's after-party alright. Performed lap-dance for Dumbledore.

-Sevvy

**SEPTEMBER 06, 1991. Mood: Abusive.**

Got my first taste of Potter-child today. Little bastard. Dislike even more. Scolded for no reason, which was immensely enjoying, if only temporary.

Dumbledore warned me that killing my students will result in career dispatch. Damn.

Student Granger rather annoying. Draco a little angel.

-Sevvy

**SEPTEMBER 13, 1991. Mood: Nauseous.**

Absolutely sickening. Potter child is to be only first-year seeker in a century.

Will go bury head in pile of dragon shit.

-Sevvy

**OCTOBER 31, 1991. Mood: Celabrative.**

Hallowe'en. It was jolly-fun putting up the decorations, I must say. Rather a gay time.

Someone set mountain troll on students. How fun. Unfortunately it failed to dispatch Granger.

Tried to get Weasley, Potter and Granger expelled instead. failed. Determined not to let this hinder my party-mood.

-Sevvy

**NOVEMBER 8, 1991. Mood: Depressed.**

Was walked in on by Potter-idiot when I was having a rather lovely moment with Filch in the staffroom. Covered it up with the bloody-leg trick.

Tried to go through the third corridor on the right-hand side. Was faced by a three headed dog. Must find out how to pass it before Quirrel does.

In other news, Lucius stole my Sisters of Mercy hoodie. Am going to sit in dungeon and cut myself.

-Sevvy

**NOVEMBER 9, 1991. Mood: Thoughtful.**

Quidditch. Slytherin was beaten today by Gryffindor. First time in years. Will have a talk to my Quidditch team, am most bitterly disappointed by this loss.

Potter could not control his broom, of course everyone would think i jinxed it because i hate him. Not true, as much as I would like it to be. However, he managed to catch the snitch by almost swallowing it. Wish he choked.

Granger lit my knickers on fire during the match. Was rather turned on.

Am having more and more suspicions about Quirrel's motives. Not only does he wear a horrid turban in the most awful shade of purple, but I caught him picking his nose the other day with his wand.

Will confront him.

May order him to strip and make sure there are no Dark Lords on his person before I bump him off.

-Sevvy

**DECEMBER 25, 1991. Mood: Contemplative.**

Decorated the christmas tree last night with Minerva. Am not particularly looking forward to christmas as i get hardly any presents. Sometimes Dumbledore will come down my chimney and try to make me feel better. This year he requested me to his office instead. Thought I was in trouble for going a bit over-board with taking points off Gryffindor, but he only wanted me to wear a party-hat and gave me a christmas present, a Hello Kitty pencil case and a bag of sherbet lemon sweets. Was rather touched.

Have run out of Prozac. Need to replenish supplies.

-Sevvy

**FEBRUARY the (wot the hell is it?)th, Mood: Angry.**

Refereed Quidditch match today, Hufflepuff against Gryffindor. Dumbledore instructed me to make sure the Potter-Child's broom doesn't get all jerky again.

Despite my favouring Hufflepuff during refereeing the match, Gryffindor won.

Played hanky-panky with Quirrel in the forbidden forest in attempt to liven spirits. Was caught by Potter before I could remove Quirrel's turban.

That child deserves a good whack.

-Sevvy

**JUNE 1st, 1992. Mood: Suspicious/Depressed.**

Excuse my lack of updates. Have been busy stalking certain people.

Harry is up to something. So is Quirrel.

Have a feeling that they are up to something together.

Am feeling left out. Nobody loves me. Not even Mrs Norris. Why don't I just kill myself.

-Stupid Wanker

**JUNE 17, 1992. Mood: Depressed.**

Well its all over and they did it without me. Harry killed Quirrel and thus Voldemort, before I could stop it.

Gryffindor won the house cup. Mcgonagall very smug.

Potter very egotistical.

Am determined to make sure next year is a better one for Slytherin.

If I don't drown myself first.

-The Half-blood Loser


	2. Regarding The Chamber of Secrets

**CHAPTER TWO** - Year Two, Regarding the events of the Chamber of Secrets.

**AUGUST 13, 1992. Mood: Greasy.**

Am bitterly disappointed that I did not get the job of DADA job. Instead Dumbledore has brought it upon himself to employ a complete drongo whose life's achievements include writing a series of crappy novels and whitening his teeth every afternoon.

In other news, Lucius was informing me so carelessly that he had slipped the Dark Lord's old diary into a Weasley's Cauldron at Flourish and Blott's a couple of days ago. The twit. The Malfoys are often so willing to let go of responsibility, that I am sure will get them into trouble with the Dark Lord one day. Am sure that the Dark Lords had important intentions with that book.

Will try and get the diary back. It might have some scandalous secrets in it. Always suspected that the Dark Lord had a pet bunny called Rufus.

-Sevvy

**AUGUST 15, 1991. Mood: Sexy.**

Lucius Malfoy somehow persuaded me to wear Narcissa's pointy bra and attend a Drag Party with him this evening on the conditions that I still wished to be his friend.

Good thing Narcissa is out for the weekend with Draco, Would hate to see the look on her face if she knew that we had been raiding her wardrobe and wearing her lipstick.

Would also hate for Draco to spread it around the Slytherin house that I have a secret cross-dressing fetish.

Or that I call his father 'Lucy' in private.

Or that I was in a band called The Broomstick Boys with Lucius when we were fifteen.

-Sevvy

**SEPTEMBER 1, 1992. Mood: Aggravated.**

Weasley and Potter drove a car into the Whomping Willow this evening. Was very angered as the Whomping Willow and I go back a long way.

Was also looking for excuse to expel Potter and Weasley.

Failed.

Depressed.

Feeling Sorry for thine self.

Bingeing on Pumpkin pie.

-Sevvy

**SEPTEMBER 5, 1992. Mood: Excited.**

Lucy bought the Slytherin team new broomsticks in exchange for allowing Draco to play on the team.

We are sure to win this year with the Nimbus 2001s.

Mmmmm, broomsticks. Oh yeah. Hurrah for dodgy fetishes.

-Sevvy

**OCTOBER 31, 1992. Mood: Suspicious.**

Hallowe'en night tonight. Only went myself because of Dumbledore's endless urging. Discovered that he only wanted to feed me trifle with his fork. Wouldn't have shown up otherwise.

Am suspicious that Potter and his friends did not attend the Hallowe'en feast.

And that Mrs.. Norris has been found petrified.

And that the Chamber of Secrets has been re-opened.(It was written on the wall in paint. If I catch whoever has been planting graffiti on the beautiful dungeon walls I will attempt their expulsion from the school.)

Am sure that the monster who guards the chamber is paralysing students. Hope it knocks off as many Gryffindors as it can before It is (and it will be) dealt with.

Have been searching Hogwarts myself for the Chamber of Secrets myself for a decade now; naturally by-passing a few areas, as I would not want to be blamed for peeking into the Girl's bathrooms or Dormitories. Or in McGonagall's knickers-drawer.

-Sevvy

**NOVEMBER 4, 1992. Mood: Bouncy.**

Broomsticks XD.

-Sevvy

**NOVEMBER 9, 1992. Mood: Annoyed.**

Slytherin beaten by Gryffindor in Quidditch yesterday, and only because the Potter-child caught the snitch. And because Draco is an absolute shoddy player.

Otherwise we would have thrashed them; our broomsticks were so much more sexier.

Lockhart removed the bones in Potter's arm after the match. He should have left it to me. I would have removed all the bones in Potter's body.

A student found paralysed this morning. Was a Gryffindor student. Hope to find more Gryffindors paralysed.

-Sevvy

**DECEMBER 13, 1992. Mood: Outraged.**

Someone has been stealing ingredients from my cupboard. Will punish thoroughly when I find the culprit.

-Sevvy

**DECEMBER 17, 1992. Mood: Uneasy.**

Started a DADA dueling club with Lockhart this afternoon. Beat the shit out of him. Lockhart more useless a teacher than I expected; is all talk and no play.

Would dearly love to send him away with an injury worthy of St Mungo's mysterious and incurable diseases ward.

Teamed Malfoy up with Potter. Expected Malfoy to win, considering the private Dark Arts lessons I give him. And other assortment of lessons.

Was not counting on Potter being able to speak Parseltongue.

-Sevvy

**DECEMBER 18, 1992. Mood: Blah. **

Hufflepuff Student and Gryffindor ghost found paralysed today.

Most Students suspicious of Potter-child, However I am aware that Potter is incapable of Dark magic, Parselmouth or not.

Am still searching for the Dark Lord's diary; am sure that it has been brought to Hogwarts, though it would appear suspicious for me to be searching the Gryffindor dormitories. Will attempt when the little buggers go home for christmas.

-Sevvy

**DECEMBER 25, 1992. Mood: Annoyed.**

Did not count on the Weasleys staying at Hogwarts over christmas.

Attempted to search Gryffindor Dormitories anyway. Did not find diary. Sincerely hope that nobody has done anything stupid like flush it down a toilet.

-Sevvy

**FEBRUARY 14, 1993. Mood: Disgusted.**

Valentines Day. Am disgusted at horrid decorations that are infiltrating and soiling the castle with their pink and purple euphoria. Lockhart getting on my nerves more than ever, the ponsy git.

Will have fun burning them when this is all over.

Didn't get one fucking valentine this year. Senile house-elves and Draco Malfoy don't count.

-Sevvy

**APRIL 15, 1993. Mood: Agreeable.**

Rather a good day today. Granger paralysed, Hagrid sent to Azkaban, accused of harming students. Dumbledore suspended.

Lucy came into my dungeon for a cup of tea and a game of broomsticks.

-Sevvy

**MAY 19, 1993. Mood: Blank.**

Madam Pomfrey has finished making the antidote for the petrified students. Knew it was too good to last.

School temporarily in jeopardy due to missing student. How exciting.

Ganged up on Lockhart with Professor McGonagall, practically told him to go get himself eaten by the monster, rid us all of his stupidity, etc.

-Sevvy

**MAY 20, 1993. Mood: Disappointed.**

Another year over.

Dumbledore and Hagrid back.

Students revived. Damn.

Potter-twit has proved himself to be once again the hero, finding and destroying the diary and weaving an elaborate story about the chamber of secrets and a basilisk and all that shit.

Don't believe one word of it, however I am secretly pleased that Lockhart managed to bump himself off to St Mungos, saves me the effort.

Appears that the diary was a horcrux that belonged to the Darklord. Was confronted by Dumbledore who asked if I had anything to do with it.

Blamed it all on Lucy.

Am off to ride a broomstick in peace.

-Sevvy


	3. Regarding The Prisoner of Azkaban

**CHAPTER THREE** - Year Three, Regarding the events of the Prisoner of Azkaban.

**September 1st, 1993. Mood: Annoyed.**

New DADA teacher this year (not me, unfourtunatly), Remus Lupin. When will Dumbledore just give me the fucking job?

Lucy attempted to cheer be up with a midnight tandem ride around Hogsmede before we stopped at the Shreiking Shack for skjhfjgggh-

-

Sorry, that was Dumbledore, barging in and sitting on my laptop. Demanded a foot massage.

Honestly. The things I have to put up with.

-Sevvy

**September 2nd, 1993. Mood: Sexy.**

Had tea with Sybill Trelawney this afternoon. She predicted Potter's death. I think I fancy her.

Young Draco Malfoy injured by rampant Hippogriff. Will inform Lucy and see to it that the Hippogriff is beheaded. Oh yes, I am teh ultimate sexy evil.

-Sexyarse Snape

**September 8th, 1993. Mood: Suspicious.**

Lupin stole my unicycle, plastic harmonica and bouncing tarot cards that Sybil gave me for christmas. Should have known not to get on his bad side during his PMS (pre morphing syndrome). Am suspicious that he is meeting Sirius Black in secret.

-Sevvy

**October 28th, 1993. Mood: Releived.**

Excuse my absence of updates. Dumbledore confiscated my laptop because I refused to massage his stinky, fungal feet, trim his nose hairs and give him his mothly bubble bath. I think he tried to read my diary, thank God for the ingenious muggle inventions known as passwords and email verifications. Although when I did get my laptop back today, I did have to de-hex and de-jynx it.

-Sevvy

**October 31, 1993. Mood: Ecstatic.**

HALLOWE'EN!1!11!one!1 XD

-Sevvy

**November 1, 1993. Mood: Smug.**

Apparently Sirius Black snuck into the castle last night. Suspicious that Lupin let him in. Will find reasons to blame and hex them both into oblivion.

Have an idea to rid the school of Lupin and make it look innocent. Will poison his monthly potion by simply adding a sprinkle of amnesiac powder and make it look like an accidekjhgfuckfgskjh

-

Apoligies, interrupted by Dumbledore, demanding a backrub. Apparently Flitwick doesn't do it properly.

-Sevvy

**November 5th, 1993. Mood: Mischeivious.**

Haahaa! My plan worked! Sort of. Potion resulted in Lupin thinking he was Minerva. Rather amusing to watch him, transformed into a wolf, wearing tartan robes and playing the bagpipes. I did get to teach his class for the day, dish out detentions, torture Potter, etc. Unfourtunatly Dumbledore was not amused and threatened to make me clean the toilets if i didn't make an antidote.

-Sevvy

**November 6th, 1993. Mood: Self-Righteous.**

Hufflepuff vs. Gryffindor today, Quidditch. Dementors invaded the pitch, resulting in a win to Hufflepuff and Potter's broomstick blowing into the whomping willow. I do love that tree. Chances increased for Slytherin winning the Quidditch cup. Am very smug towards Minerva.

-Sevvy

**November 27th, 1993. Mood: Flustered.**

Ravenclaw beat Hufflepuff today. Fuck. Was enjoying the privacy of the brrom closet when 3 house-elves barged in and presented my with the news. Damn it, those house-elves seem to know every broom closet in Hogwarts. Must find a new hiding place.

-Sevvy

**December 25th, 1993. Mood: Giddy.**

Spent christmas with Sybil as nobody was keen on spending it with either of us this year. Got a bit high on her hemp essence candles. She has a secret broom closet in her wardrobe. XD

-Sevvy

**January 8th, 1994. Mood: Celebrative.**

Slytherin beat Gryffindor in Quidditch yoday. Lucy gave me a new broomstick as a gift for bring relentlesws with Slytherin training. Told me not to break it as with comet69. may fit in some practice with it in Sybil's broom closet.

-Sevvy

**April 3rd, 1994. Mood: Loved.**

Easter today. Dumbledore made the teachers dress up as fluffy pink easter rabbits and deliver eggs for the students who stayed over the holidays.

Received a carob easter egg from Lucy. And a yellow fuffy ducky toy from Dumbledore. Will stick pins in it.

-Sevvy

**April 7th, 1994. Mood: Impatient.**

Dammit, Dumbledore caught me with my broomstick in Sybil's closet. Must find a better hiding place. Perhaps under the whomping wofsktnvfsm#$&324-2!11

-

Am regretful to announce that Dumbledore has invaded my privacy yet again to demand a deep tissue massage to his gwkjbeefjnfgfrspermywsfnjenwinkle

-

Honestly. This is just getting a bit too much.

-Sevvy

**April 15th, 1994. Mood: Evil.**

Witnessed Gryffindor practising Quidditch in the field today. Potter has a new, streamlined, slick looking broom. Am envious. Will find a way to scare him off his broom in tomorrow's game, perharps sending it flying into the whoming willow. Mwahaahahahahaaa... I am evil. sexy. evil.

-Mr. Sexylegs (even if they are hairy) (but then no one really has the privilage of looking under my robes anyway) (except Hogwarts staff) (and Lucy).

**April 16th, 1994. Mood: Sucky Fucky Poostains McFuck shit, to put things quite blatantly.**

Quidditch today. Ravenclaw vs. Gryffindor. Sent Malfoy junior, Crabbe and and Goyle onto the field today dressed as dementors. Draco wanted to wear a scream mask. Informed him that dementors have invisible faces.

False dementors scared the shit out of the Potter-child, who unfortunatly seems to be excelling in the DADA lessons because he cast an (albiet flimsy) patronus. If I had been the DADA teacher potter would have failed. FAILED. And probably tumbled off that rather-nice looking broom of his. But instead he caught the snitch resulting in a win for Gryffindor.

Dumbledore discovered lame dementor attempt and forced me to perform a strip-tease in the staff room at supper time. Hagrid won't let me hear the end of it. Minerva and Sybill keep giggling behind thier hands like twelve year old girls whenever they pass me in the corridors.

-Sevvy

**April 20th, 1994. Mood: Content.**

Smirk has been wiped off Hagrid's face. His Hippogriff is due to be senteced to death on the sixth of june.

Am off to spend some quality time under the whomping willow.

-Sevvy

**April 21st, 1994. Mood: Behold, even more disturing and antisocial than usual.**

The little fuckwits(students) buggered off(went) to Hogsmade today. Looked forward to a day ALONE but was interupted during my alchemy session by Draco Malfoy who informed me that he saw Potter's head in Hogsmade. Confronted Potter and threatened to spank him. Lupin informed me that as the DADA teacher he should be doing the spanking. nearly spanked them both.

-Sevvy

**April 25th, 1994. Mood: Pleased.**

Sybyll showed me her crystal balls today. Funny, for some reason It had never occured to me that she had balls. Especially not ones made out of crystal.

-Sevvy

**May 14th, 1994. Mood: Confused.**

CANNOT BELIEVE GRYFFINDOR BEAT SLYTHERIN in Quidditch Finals today ALL BECAUSE OF STUPID FUCKING POTTER CHILD.

Wouldn't dare to inform Lucy that we lost the match because his son sucks at Quidditch. He might take offense to it.

Noticed Lupin was not at the match today, and its not even his time of the month. And when I retired to the whomping willow for a bit of relaxation I found my firebolt all the way in the shreiking shack covered in FOREIGN DROOL. Hmmm...

-Sevvy

**June 4th, 1994. Mood: Smug.**

Gave the Potter-Child a zero for his confusing concotion today. Gave Draco a ten. The score really should have been the other way around, but I swapped them. Mwahahaa. Sometimes I baffle myself with my own sly, cunning wit and superior intellect.

-Sevvy

**June 6, 1994. Mood: Most Pleased.**

Today started well and ended excellently.

Lucy and Waldy (McNair, that is,) visited for the celebrations of the execution of Hagrid's Hippogriff. Had a tea-party at the shreiking shack. Borrowed Sybill's teacups. Lucy got a bit tipsy and started dancing on the tabletops wearing nothing but a tutu, infoming us that he was practicing his recital for the Dark Lord's birthday anniversary. Mused over the days when we were the Broomstick boys. Brought my violin out of hiding; Lucy conjuired his cello and Waldy procured his irish flute. Too bad Rodolf and Bella are in Azkaban, we could have done with the accompanyment of his harp and her drums. One day, perhaps.

After they left I thought I would stay in the shreiking shack for a spot of private reading but was rudley interupted by Lupin and none other than Sirius Black himself. Thanks to the concealment charm, I managed to hide myself and spy on them as the culprits played with my broomstick.

Black got a little over-enthusiastic and broke my broomstick. Am most greived. How will I ever explain this to Lucy? He'll wonder on earth I have been up to with the broken broomstick. Will blame on whomping willow. Must enact my revenge upon Black.

Was forced to come out of hiding when the Potter child and his friends barged into the shack. (Sheesh, what is that place, Disney Land?) Was about to curse them all horribly but was bound and knocked unconcious. Would have been rather turned on by these series of events, had I been concious. there is a certain, subtle sexyness about rope.

Woke up in time to claim the capture of Sirius Black, although it was really the Dementors who did it. He is now awaiting the Dementor's kiss.

Big day. Bed time, I think. And as Aspirin or two.

Have a whopping great headache.

-Sevvy

**June 7th, 1994. Mood: Betrayed.**

CANNOT believe that Dumbledore let Granger use her time-turner to "put things right" as he said it. Hippogriff and Black now alive and in hiding! Am most greviously angered.

No more backrubs for Dumbledore.

Or foot massages.

Or nosehair and beard trimming.

Or monthy bubblebaths.

Or manicures.

Or lapdances.

Flitwick is on his own from this day forth.

-Sevvy


End file.
